When I agreed to move our family to Ohio, I worried about how the kids would fare on this adventure. I worried their social skills and confidence would suffer. I worried that they would be forever altered by this disruption in their lives.
But the kids are fine. Better than fine. They are flourishing. They love their new schools and have armies of new friends. My oldest, about whom I worried the most, has actually blossomed as a result of the move.
I should have spent more time worrying about myself.
I underestimated how long it takes to form real adult bonds. I didn't expect to struggle to connect with people whose background and interests are so different from mine. I never imagined that four months after relocating, I still wouldn't have found someone to share a glass of red wine with and laugh about the kids' antics.
In four long months, I've become one of those lonely women. I'm the one who holds up the check out line with too much banter with the supermarket clerk. I'll keep you trapped on the phone for thirty minutes when you called to set up a playdate. And I'm the one who stalks my East Coast friends and family with dozens of "just calling to say hi" messages on their machines.
I signed up for this Midwestern adventure, willingly, and still don't regret it. I love discovering this different world. But the loneliness is tough. Intellectually, I know that I'm growing from this hardship, learning new things about myself, who I am and who I want to be. But that doesn't make it any easier when I catch myself stalking a friendly mom in the pick-up line like a desperately lonely loony!
This sad post was inspired by today's Sunday Scribblings post: adventure.
14 comments:
One day I will be well again and my life will stop sucking (this job is eating my brain) and we will have a real live book club, I swear.
It's harder to make friends as a grownup and it's harder if your kids are past babyhood, definitely. But all the stuff you're doing? The taste casting, etc? It'll eventually start paying off.
I completely understand. When we moved to our current city three and a half years ago, I left behind a few very good friends and many other friends and aquaintances. We moved to a city where we did not know anyone. We have slowly build friendships here, but I am still missing a close friendship; the kind you can call on just to chat...whenever...someday I hope to find that again...until then, like you, I will chat with anyone willing to listen, and strive to find what I left behind.
Steve and kids have definite work/school network to plug into. The mom generally doesn't....unless active in religious organization, bridge club, or similar. You'll figure it out. Can't wait to see everyone for Thanksgiving!
Sometimes, it doesn't take a move to produce the feeling of rebuilding, fixing and finding. Not all adventures are magical, I think!
I wish you'd moved to Richmond. Won't take long for the women there to discover the new daisy in their midst. Hang tight. Peace, Vanessa. :)
Sure it is sad but what a great opportunity to bury yourself in your writing. You write really well, build on that.
I totally feel what you are saying in this post. After many military moves this is our first move to a community that is not military. On base you learn you will only be with each other for 2 maybe 3 years tops so you fast forward the getting to know you and become friends quite quickly. Become Bunco teammates, enjoy a soda together on the playground while watching kids play, share all the great spots to see in our new area. I have now lived here a bit over two years and I have to say as I watched my kids at our local church activity for Halloween having a great time with their friends I stood there a bit sad and well.....lonely.
It's hard when you move. We've never been in one spot longer than about 4 years, and it seems like just as I make friends we move again. The kids don't seem to have this same issue though. My friends are all long distance and either a phone call or computer away because of this. I'm so thankful for technology to keep old friendships like my college roommate and friends I grew up with alive.
I hear you, Vanessa. Two years post-move and I'm still working on it. It's hard to wake up every day and make yourself vulnerable, put yourself out there, and then do it again the next day, and the next. We do worry so much about how the kids will adjust that we neglect ourselves. I'm so glad to hear that the kids are doing well. That leaves you more time and energy to focus on you.
Well, I met you and thought you were just great! :-)
I understand. I had the same type of feelings when I moved to Florida for a job.
If you'd like, you can come on over to my house. I'll make espresso. Email me! (seriously)
Here are internet hugs (((Chef Druck))). I have not moved anywhere recently but other around me move away from here constantly since it's a transient area. I SO miss friends it's an ache and a hole in my life.
It IS hard to make new friends. I'm constantly doing so with book groups or other events like game groups, sports, or knitting or something relaxing like that and we DO meet new folks, but like you, I sure miss the ease of old close friends with no fuss. If you like to read, that might be a way to meet folks. (I go to book groups through my library and I have also formed book clubs by advertising in my local area.)
I see myself when you say about bantering with the clerk. Since my daughter went off to college a couple of years ago, I have become more lonely. I love my freedom and that she is spreading her wings, but I wish she was closer than 5 hrs away. It WILL get better, but it's baby steps and time, unfortunately takes time. Best to you!
I hear ya.
I think it's a common feeling as mothers and even more so when uprooted.
Give it some time, and until then, so good you have your writing. You are doing SO much with it. I'm very impressed!
I have found this to be so true...I guess true friends are more precious that we thought. Good luck!
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