Letting Go of the Guilt

I've been trying to let go lately. Not let go of my friends, my life, or my family. Not at all.

I've been trying to let go of the guilt.

I take on guilt like a large sea sponge at the bottom of the ocean takes on water. I soak it up until I'm filled to the brim, and then I try to drink in some more.

I feel guilty when my children are cranky, or hungry, or tired. I berate myself for not anticipating their need, for not being better prepared. I feel guilty when my children tire quickly of their new toys on Christmas morning. I regret spoiling them, not giving them more moral fiber, not having been tougher on them. I feel guilty for not being a better mother.

When a cookie wrapper flies out of my minivan at preschool pickup and the teacher opens the door, I feel guilty for being such a slob. When my husband is tired, I feel guilty for not having nagged him more to go to bed the night before. When he walks through the door and dinner is still a full thirty minutes from being ready, I feel guilty that I am not better organized.

And mostly, I feel guilty about my blogging and my writing. It's not enough that I blog here every day. I should also be journaling more, writing more horrendous rough drafts in my notebooks. I should also be blogging more on my review blog and rejuvenating my abandoned writing blog by beginning to post writing prompts again.

The guilt is crippling. It sends me to bed every night with a heavy heart. Another day gone. Another missed opportunity to complete the ever growing to do list.

But for the last few weeks, I've been trying to let go of the guilt that paints bruised shadows under my eyes every night. I've been resisting the temptation to stay up late trying to complete one more task, and then another task after that. I've been shutting down the computer before midnight and climbing up the stairs focusing on what I did accomplish instead of what remains to be done.

On some nights, the accomplishments don't sound like much. Doing a congo line around the kitchen with all three kids with Taylor Swift blasting. Losing to Bella in the Game of Life and hearing her belly laugh that I named my kid Grover. Reading Purplelicious to Juju with really mean voices for the cool girls who like black. Those actions are intangible and don't get checked off any to do list.

But strangely enough, the more days I have filled with intangible moments of laughter, the easier it is to stave off the heavy guilt. And suddenly guilt-free, or at least working on it, frees me up to really be creative and get my pen flowing during my moments of free time.

Give it a try... let go of the guilt. I dare you.

Once again, Sunday Scribblings and Write of Passage have prompts this week that tie together. On Write of Passage, Mrs. Flinger asked us to write about a post with a clear plot, a point which you are trying to make. And Sunday Scribblings' prompt is message.

The linky below is for Write of Passage, should you want to join in the challenge of putting the focus back on creative writing to the momosphere.